Photo by Alexa Mazzarello on Unsplash
When I was six, I decided to be a writer…
When I grew up.
I was a hippy child
And my tribe was not big on practice
So I had an idea
That someday….
I would be a writer
Then, I went to college
And decided that someday was now
Except
I wasn’t any good at writing
I hadn’t been practicing
But
I thought I should be good
If I had talent
And,
I wasn’t good
And,
The writing wasn’t fun
Because
The writing wasn’t Shakespeare
Or even
Nora Roberts
And then I read Rilke
Who said,
“Can you avow that you would die if you were forbidden to write?”
And
“If, as I have said, one feels one could live without writing, then one shouldn’t write at all.”
And
I thought
Well! I can certainly live without writing.
I don’t really like writing.
It is hard.
And I’m not very good at it.
So I said
I am not a writer
And I went about my life.
Adventuring in many other ways
On other seas (at times in tallships).
And then one day
A friend was talking about running marathons
And he talked about how he noticed
That there were three kinds of runners
Those at the front for whom the running was all about winning and psyching out the competition
Those in the middle for whom the running was all about community and supporting others to keep going
and enjoy the struggle
And
Those at the back for whom the running was about finishing and
proving something to themselves
And
For some reason
I thought not about runners
But about writers
And writing
I suddenly saw that I had wanted to be the best
And win awards
And fame
(and money)
Yet
Having to be at the front
Has never been
Who I am
Who I am is in the middle
Supporting the others
To keep going
And enjoy the struggle
Who I am is about community
So, No, Rilke.
I do not wake up in the morning
Having to write
And needing to write
And I could live my life without writing
But,
I am a writer.
(Apologies to Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926) for my immature reading of his work when I young.)
I loved reading this.
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This is so beautiful, Melissa. Your poem is the perfect way to share your journey!
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I have to write
I go crazy sometimes and I have to write
I get depressed and I have to write
I’ve been writing poetry and in a journal for over 40 years
Yet I never considered myself a writer
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You ARE a writer! Even if you never share it. You are a writer.
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